I too have these feelings...

I too have these feelings that she does. Certain smells, movies, tv shows...there are so many things that remind me of a nightmare that I once lived. I do things that he absolutely would not let me do. I get such satisfaction out of it! I really do! Many times I love to be home and not have the tv on! Cause it had to always be on and quiet so he could watch HIS shows. But there are other times that I love to have the tv on, because I can actually have control of the remote! without someone coming in and grabbing it out of my hand to change the channel.

Yesterday on my way to work...I was stopping at my "favorite" gas station to grab a cold iced tea. Waiting for traffic so I could turn, I saw the parking lot was full and there was a guy I caught out of the corner of my eye. IT WAS MY EX HUSBAND. I sat there for a minute, still waiting on traffic. There was so much traffic I said to heck with it and went down the road and got gas where it was cheaper. As if there was a lightbulb that was turned on over my head, I went back to that store that I love going to, I like the people that run it. I decided, I wasn't going to allow him to drive me away from my routine!! Hell no! I pulled in so that he knew I was there. I went in and did my business and went out the door where he could see me. I went back to my jeep and carried on with my day. He had been standing there shootin' the $hit with someone. I didn't look at him or give him the time of day. But I was not going to let him intimidate me! OH HELL NO!!

Although, as I drove away I started to shake. So many fears of the past inside me, came alive. I battled with it all day. And I was so angry with myself for letting it happen. I guess I truly am not over my PTSD. But...I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF - for going back to that store. A year ago I would not have done that. I am getting stronger and every day is better in some small way.

My best friend is always telling me to face my fears. That task was done to the fullest all in those 20 or so minutes yesterday. I hope that he is proud of that big step that I leaped into.