I too have these feelings...

I too have these feelings that she does. Certain smells, movies, tv shows...there are so many things that remind me of a nightmare that I once lived. I do things that he absolutely would not let me do. I get such satisfaction out of it! I really do! Many times I love to be home and not have the tv on! Cause it had to always be on and quiet so he could watch HIS shows. But there are other times that I love to have the tv on, because I can actually have control of the remote! without someone coming in and grabbing it out of my hand to change the channel.

Yesterday on my way to work...I was stopping at my "favorite" gas station to grab a cold iced tea. Waiting for traffic so I could turn, I saw the parking lot was full and there was a guy I caught out of the corner of my eye. IT WAS MY EX HUSBAND. I sat there for a minute, still waiting on traffic. There was so much traffic I said to heck with it and went down the road and got gas where it was cheaper. As if there was a lightbulb that was turned on over my head, I went back to that store that I love going to, I like the people that run it. I decided, I wasn't going to allow him to drive me away from my routine!! Hell no! I pulled in so that he knew I was there. I went in and did my business and went out the door where he could see me. I went back to my jeep and carried on with my day. He had been standing there shootin' the $hit with someone. I didn't look at him or give him the time of day. But I was not going to let him intimidate me! OH HELL NO!!

Although, as I drove away I started to shake. So many fears of the past inside me, came alive. I battled with it all day. And I was so angry with myself for letting it happen. I guess I truly am not over my PTSD. But...I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF - for going back to that store. A year ago I would not have done that. I am getting stronger and every day is better in some small way.

My best friend is always telling me to face my fears. That task was done to the fullest all in those 20 or so minutes yesterday. I hope that he is proud of that big step that I leaped into.

www.hopewhentherewasnone.blogspot.com

courage

I have a new friend...She is a victim as well. I really think that she has and is going through way worse than I could imagine. She has courage like no other I have ever known. She lacks self esteem, but she shouldn't! She is amazing to be continuing on! I hope that when she looks in the mirror she finally sees what she has portrayed on her blog. She is strong! She is a trooper. Check out her blog...this is one of her latest postings

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

He watches that and I don't anymore!

Over the past week I have seen several TV shows that I just can't bring myself to watch anymore. Like House, The Simpson's, Family Guy, South Park, and a few more. The first reason I don't watch some of these shows is I find them distasteful and just wrong. Oh I have laughed and then feel terribly stupid for it later. Good clean entertainment, nah! Not so much. Second, we "HAD" to watch them. Any talking during these shows would be bad for you! The house remained quiet and still. Nervous laughing during jokes on the shows, while looking at his reaction to see if it's too loud a laugh or if it was ok to laugh.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for me of things I won't watch or do because they remind me of him.

I dislike Febreze. I can't stand the smell. To the point it makes me sick to my stomach. I bought garbage bags a few weeks back. "A" has garbage duty and she changed the bag and I smelled an all too familiar. I actually panicked. I figured it out what it was and felt so dumb for my emotions as well for the mini freakout.

I don't eat stuffed pizza, go to Pepe's, like onion rings or listen to various music because they remind me too much of him. It is almost aggravating to me that I react the way I do! Sometimes Terry/or someone else says something in a tone or in a statement that reminds me of R and I have to breath slowly. I reply, "Ok R!" Or "Thanks R". This is to let the person know that they maybe a little too close for comfort with whatever.

Things I do that I know annoyed him are:

Shop at Target!
Eat at a resturant
Laugh and be silly in public
Go where I want and when I want
Leave the TV off
Rent movies all the time! :)
I wake up in the middle of the night if I can't sleep and watch TV late night!
I have left my shoes on in the house!

Oh my gosh the list of things is endless!

It takes time to let go of these traits I have learned. Learning to trust, to feel safe, to love, to feel happiness and not worry about what comes out of my mouth.

another birthday...

Well, another birthday has come and gone...big mile marker. A few weeks ago, as the day was approaching, I felt as if my armageddon was coming. LOL - not so. Life goes on after you turn 40. It's silly how we can think sometimes. It felt like just another day, nothing spectacular, nothing catastrophic. Just a day older and perhaps wiser.

But, on the flip side I am very greatful. I'm still here, alive and kicking. Kicking and screaming. Laughing till I almost pee my pants. Smiling at lives little jokes. Still wishing upon that shooting star. And still loving to my fullest ability. Going into my sixth year of "freedom" from the domestic violence and I am happy to be out from under it. There was a time that I wished it all would stop, that a big rock would fall on me...that lightening would strike. If not me, my abuser. Just so as I could live without fear, live without feeling like the scumbag I was made out to be. But guess what?! I'm NOT a scumbag, I'm NOT a piece of crap! I deserve to be happy and NOT live in fear. I am a human being. Breathing, feeling, thinking thoughts that are my own. I do have a brain and it is no longer "washed".

I have learned many things over the last forty years and that learning curve will never stop. I am wiser. I hope that I have learned enough to be able to teach others. Share my experiences - the good and the bad. I want others to benefit from my pain and suffering. That will make it all worth it.

So here is a bit of advice for you, some thoughts of today...LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE! Live your life like it is your last day. Laugh even if it isn't funny to someone else. Even if you do not like the place you go to spend eight hours of your day. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. It really is the best medicine. When you haven't had much laughter and finally find things funny and amusing... LAUGH! It feels wonderful! And LOVE. Love to the fullest. Spend time with those you love and treasure.

I spent the morning with my mother yesterday. We went to breakfast and giggled and giggled. I didn't want the morning to end, and as I was settling in at my desk at work, I recv'd a call. It was my mother. She was still giggling and thanked me for a really good time and told me to tell my boss I needed the day off. Because she wasn't ready for it to end either. Grab those moments and keep them in that photo album in your mind. Remember the look on their face when they are laughing so hard that the tears are rolling down their face. That... Was a wonderful birthday present.

As life sometimes gets in the way, and we get busy...Take the time to spend with your loved ones. Near or far. Make the most of it all. Stay in touch, even if it is on Facebook. It is a connection. It bridges the miles that keep you apart.

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE!!

Happy Mother's Day!

Today should be a day of relaxing. A day to remember. A day to cherish. Being a mom is the best job ever. Today is OUR day. We do so many things for our kids. They don't even have a clue, until they are parents themselves. Only then can parenthood be appreciated. You do not even need to be a mother for it to be Happy Mother's Day. You can be a friend, an aunt, your brother's wife, your dad's girlfriend...anyone that is nurturing to you in some way, can be wished a happy day today. Remember those women you love and those that have taken that ticket to heaven. They are watching down on you today and remembering you as well.

Love to the fullest...

Have a wonderful day!